Be the Master of My Heart

“Master, we toiled all night and took nothing, But at your word I will let down the nets.”  And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. Luke 5: 5-6

How many times do we find ourselves trying so hard to get things done on our own?  We make plans, we organize, we set schedules, and then they all seem to be for nothing.  I’m thinking especially in regards to being a mother.  About a month ago I developed a schedule thinking that that would help me feel more productive.  I blocked out when my two children would nap, when I would do chores, when I would nap (very important), when I would relax, when I would teach them and read to them and play with them.  The very next day Kiya decided that he wasn’t going to take a nap when Azy did and he was only going to sleep for 30 minute periods.  Azaria decided that she was going to be crabby and impossible to try and get to do anything, and I was going to rip my hair out trying to get the house even respectable for when Ryan came home.  When my plans and aspirations failed, I felt like a failure myself.  I praise God for swooping in and taking over.  I praise God for loving me enough to show me that I don’t have to try so hard. I praise God for granting me sanity when I do not deserve it, and in more abundance than I ever imagined possible.  When he says the word, the mountain shall move and the nets shall become full!

When life doesn’t make sense.  When it seems like something is impossible, but you are positive that God is leading you there, trust, and He will do the unimaginable!

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God is on the Move!

I have been given permission to share the story of this amazing daughter of God.  She is just one example of how God pulls us up and sets our feet firm upon the rock.  How He chooses to use all situations for our good that the enemy intended for our harm.

This is a very rare, raw view into my life and my story. Trying to find an old message in my phone, I came across two very old conversations. As I read them, it brought me back to those moments.

These moments in my life were moments of doubt, pain, helplessness, and fear. As I recalled these very moments, I was reminded: at the time, I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. My life was empty. Reaching a dead end. When I found out I was pregnant, I was in a very dark, isolated place. In these moments, though, I felt something inside of me telling me to push on when I wanted to give up the most. So much turmoil, yet I somehow felt at peace.

Somewhere among these moments, I decided to hand my life and my situation to God. He supposedly has a grand plan, right? Looking back on this time, it could not be more evident. From that time on, I immersed myself, my soul, in Him and the plan that he had so carefully crafted. When I “let go and let God,” I now realize, my life came together.

Where I’m at now…I am so blessed. Considering every obstacle that I was presented with, I pulled through. Because I chose to follow my heart and ignore any peer pressure or doubts that were cast upon me, I have come out on top.

Let me tell you…this baby that would have supposedly ruined my life…he is my world. He is smart, he is filled with personality, he is full of wonder and full of love. Every day, I wake up and look over at him, and I feel complete. Any piece of me that was missing, any scar, any void that I had…he fills it. He overflows it. My heart, my soul, and my mind are at peace. I can not possibly imagine a life without him, but had I chose to ignore what I felt and chose to take the “easy way out,” I would have nothing. Emptiness.

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This is John. John didn’t ruin my life. John is not a mistake, John is not a burden. John is not keeping me from fulfilling my dreams, or holding me back from succeeding in life. John is the reason that I wake up in the morning. John is the reason that I strive to be a better woman. This boy is my world.

I owe my life to him. I owe my life to Him.

Guys, God has a plan. Trust in it. You would be amazed at what’s in store for you.

God’s Miracles and Love are Lavished Over Us Always

 

You will find a series of posts here over the next few days about all the wonders that I have seen a great God do in the past few days because there is just too much for just one post.  I think I am going to begin though, with the love that has been lavished on me in just one day.  That day is today!

 

I was discharged from the hospital this afternoon, and although we were very excited to be leaving, Ryan and I felt a wave of overwhelming stress about a lot of different things.  One is the medical debt that is sure to flood our mailbox over the next 6 to 12 months.  But I think the biggest one was  the unknown about why this all had to happen in the first place.  Why is it that every pregnancy seems to come with spontaneous life threatening medical complications that no one can explain why my body decided to provide me with.  As well as the unknown about what this means for our future.  It is no secret that we want to have a very large family, and we want as many children as we can have.  But now, we are unsure about whether that dream will come to fruition with the dangers that I have already faced thus far.

 

When I got home today I was met by the first wave of love lavishing that our Father decided to give me, my daughter! I haven’t seen little miss Azaria Lynn since Thursday morning and my mama heart was surely hurting the entire time.  But to walk into the door and have her give me the biggest smile and reaching arms she could muster, she just started being overwhelmed with giggles the second I picked her up! This filled my heart, and now it is overflowing!

 

The second wave of love, and by far the most surprising, came to me when I went to my mailbox and discovered 14 little notes of prophecy over me from my students.  This school year has been a rough one for me, and the struggles that I have with some of my students are very real.  Additionally, because my body is especially susceptible to stress based illnesses, teaching has been especially trying on me, which is why my husband and I made the decision to step back and take a break from it for at least a couple of years for me to refocus on my health and my family.  Because of my struggles, I have felt like I have had to play the “mean card” with my student which has left me feeling like they will be glad when I am gone.  

 

However, to go to my mailbox and find it shoved full with little letters and notes was such a surprise.  I sat down to read them and found them filled with so much wisdom and so much sweetness (and a couple with just silliness.)  One third grade student wrote, “Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls our lives.”  Then this student put a little dandelion in there for me just because.  I found verses of healing and verses of comfort telling me that “God will never leave me.”  There were even notes with pictures of me in the hospital with Jesus standing by my head and holding it.  To see all of this couldn’t do anything more than to show me that God speaks through anyone he chooses, even children.

 

After this I started to realize something.  Even when we don’t feel like our time means anything, or the things we do are making any difference, we don’t see the work behind the scenes that our Father does.  God says that nothing is done without a purpose in mind from Him.  He is the author of all, and he can turn even the worst situations into amazing things.  Therefore, me going to the hospital was necessary for a specific purpose.  It took me quite a while to figure it out, but I finally realized why I was supposed to be there.  Now, in the aftermath of it all, I can feel the love and the peace that God gives even in the hardest of times.  That story will be saved for another blog at another time.

Keep Me a Child

“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3

 

The music video for “Keep Me a Child” by King’s Choir sends chills through my soul each time I watch it.  Think back to your childhood, what were your favorite things that you did with your dad?  Did you go for hikes, fishing, play catch?  I remember playing tea party with my dad.  He would sit on the couch while I dressed him up in my best dress up clothes, and we had make believe tea.  Thank’s dad for enduring that for me by the way.

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God’s Grace Abounds

My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Psalm 62:7

If you think back to all the people in the Bible, I find that you notice, quite often, one very evident commonality.  People sin.  But of course we know this already, right?  We know that God created the world in the beginning, and “it was good.”  Which means He made it perfect.  But then man chose to do his own thing and eat from the tree God asked him not to.  Hence why we are all now sinful.  One thing that I think is very interesting to think about is that so often, in the Bible, where you see people, they go through “moments” in life.  These “moments” very from excitement for God, to anger with God, and even denial that God is even important enough to listen to.  I’m thinking upon the most evident case of this which is found in most of the Old Testament.  You guessed it, the Israelites,

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Will You Build Your Ark?

God is preparing us for the harvest. There is something just around the corner for each and every one of us that we can’t see yet. It’s something that God has been planning for a very long time, but the problem is that we aren’t ready for it yet. In this season that we are in, He is preparing the way for the plans He has for our future.

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